I want this to not be hanging over my head anymore! I hate being in a position where I have to just wait and see if the world as I know it will come crashing down around my ears. There are a few people who will read that and know in an instant what I'm talking about, a few that wont, and one in particular who I wish did know, but it isn't my place to tell them.

I remember feeling like this when mum went out of remission- I kept thinking "god, if she is going to die, would you just let it happen already! Then I can deal with it, then I can know for sure what the "right" thing to feel is". And of course that sounds selfish and indulgent and whatever else.

I hate how powerless I feel. I know I have a choice- I can't change the fact that that is, indeed, the very nature of the journey. That, as someone wise once said, "life is what happens when you're making other plans". My choice is in how I deal with it. Do I say "oh my gosh, this is driving me nuts and so on and so forth" or do I say "que sera sera, can't do much, may as well go with the flow."


Gosh, today I wish so much that I could go back to a time where things were so much more simple, when the biggest call I had to make was something so minor. The thing is, those things seemed major to me at the time.My prayer is that one day I will look back on this time and think "Wow, I can remember feeling like *this time* was going to suck, and you know what? It did suck for a while, but it lead to *this non sucky direction I cant see right now*, and I never would have had that chance without *this sucky time*"

And the thing is, I might not even have anything to worry about yet, but a situation which wasn't even on my radar has become a complete possibility, and, well, I don't like it.

Anywho, keep us in our thoughts and prayers, that someone up there knows what they're doing.